Bossy’s Virtual Yard Sale. Rain Or Shine.

i am bossy was recently reviewed over here. Bossy scored 44/70, 5.24, with a Total Score of 61! And there were even more numbers like 3/5 and 8 and Bossy isn’t certain what any of the numbers mean but she’s pretty sure she won’t be elected this year’s Avon World Sales Leader.

It seems most of i am bossy’s problems lie in the overall design. That and the content. This seems easy enough to fix because Bossy is nothing if not a Clutter Nazi, which brings Bossy to her first item up for sale:

Bossy’s bio buttons and links are confusing and redundant and who does she think she is wearing both orange and turquoise? These very special triptych buttons would clearly be perfect for a Great Dane breeder or an Eyeball Surgeon. $0.35.

Next item:

These two highly acclaimed awards are yours for two easy installments of ninety-nine ninety-nine. How about nineteen-ninety-nine? Nine?

Next:

This highly effective visual campaign is a call to advertisers everywhere. Sidebar titles, links, underlines, and two different fonts included! A steal
at a buck-twenty-fivey-nine.

And speaking of advertisements:

Come on — you already have a Find Food Drink but it’s faded and torn in the ass. This one comes with a Still Searching For Food Drink. No wonder Bossy is swimming in her yearly GoogleAd income of three half pennies — and you can be too!

And now this:

Where else can you purchase a link to a bogus popularity contest whose categories are so obscure that you hardly notice that the voting deadline has been extended until you’ve lost all will to live? Lifetime of Penile Enhancement emails free with your purchase.

Next item:

This is only a partial list of the Blogger friends Bossy is willing to sell. They may look a little mildewed but Bossy assures you that some bleach and elbow grease will make them as good as new. But that cat smell? That will never leave. $0.25.

And speaking of Blogger friends:

One BlogHer link for sale. Bossy thought she’d wear it all the time after she fixed the hem but it turns out tie-dye went out of style in the 1500s. Like new. Eleben dollah.

And speaking of BlogWhores:

Buying this t-shirt link is like buying a Velvet Elvis painting with a hidden Picasso under the mat board! Bossy’s talking about an unlimited revenue stream! She's talking about it, and now all she needs to do is find it! $1.05.

Next item:

This is not for sale. Put your roll of hundreds back in your pocket. Did you know Bossy enlarged this cock herself? And she drew it too. With her pricey Adobe Photoshop free Graphic Converter.

Next cocksucker item up for sale:

The word shit can be traced to the year 1118 (wearing gloves of course.) The Anglo-Saxons used the word scittan in reference to cattle diarrhea as indicated in the following Latin text: "Lues animalium, quæ Anglice Scitta vocatur, Latine autem fluxus interaneorum dici potest." In Bossy’s case, this shit’s gotta go. $0.Sebenty-Seben.

Now turn your attention to the penultimate item:

This is possibly the worst Blog description eh-ver. According to the Blog Reviewers it doesn’t come close to describing the scattershot, whimsical, directionless effort that is i am bossy. Buy now and Bossy will include the copyright for the phrase, “Depending on the kindness of mediocrities.”
One million yen.

And finally the last item up for sale:

This Guess-and-Press is a big hit! With Bossy’s friend Amy! And virtually millions thousands hundreds tens more of you! It’s almost as big a hit as when Bossy wimps out crosses out phrases! Stinky big! Gimmic hit!

Let’s look at the above thumbnail example of the Guess-and-Press, shall we? Hmm. It looks like flower petals and flower colors so Bossy is guessing the photo is of a man purse. Sold! Sixth Cents.

And now for the postpenultimateultimate item up for sale:

This Color.

And this one too. And especially this one and this one. In bold too.

Who needs different colors if your posts are well written? Oh. Never mind. Bossy will keep this color. And this.

Comments

[Lisa]

I love it just the way it is, Bossy. If I have any criticism at all, it's that there are not nearly enough John Cusack references.

Keep on keepin' on!

[Domestic Goddess]

I wouldn't take that stuff too seriously. You clearly have a legion of stalkers, I mean, FANS here. I think it looks JUST FINE! And we keep coming back, despite what they think about your design.
PS - we like your history lessons and pictures of your dog.

[shayera]

Those "reviewers" obviously have no taste or discernment. Bossy is perfect just the way she is.

[metalmom]

Please don't change! I find comfort in knowing your cock is there to greet me every time I visit!

[Andrea]

Don't you go a-changin', Bossy. I like clutter. It makes me comfortable. For example, it took me an hour to find a file in my office today.

Clutter = wicked good.

[Pioneer Woman]

My blog was reviewed once. They hated it, and couldn't understand my preoccupation with calf nuts. That was all they could talk about.

Review schmeview.

[Kristen]

Motherhood Uncensored got something like 1500 negative smacks from some website that will remain unnamed.

I say "RENTALS" are the way to go. Garage sales are so 1982. Sort of like the legwarmers.

[Lotta]

So impressed you made the cock bigger. And I like Bossy's site! Not cluttery - but a treat for the eyeballs!

[Heather]

Your bossy blog IS da SHIT! Dontcha be forgettin dat either!

[Nancy]

Eh, Bossy IS because of how she presents.

Forget the yard sale ... all is good.

[Teryn]

Bossy rules and shit. Don't change a thing.

[Oh, The Joys]

I'll take the pimple on the forehead for $400, Alex.

[Adorable Girlfriend]

The mere fact that you have BG on your blogroll should have everybody lovin' this blog. I mean, come on! Blue Girl. The first winner ever of the RoD Holiday Bake-Off 2005.

Now that is value!!!

[Noelle]

I'd take your colors for 25 cents. I love them. I'm impressed by your dedication to HTML, I usually stop at and

Also, you think that a site that is dedicated purely to judging other blogs could do better than the plain white Blogger template. I'm just sayin'.

[blue girl]

First of all, I'm going to have to go beat those people up.

Judo chop!

And you're sellin' me for $0.025? You be in big trouble, Ms. Photoshop Color Word Italicizer!

[Noelle]

Evidently I can't even use pretend HTML on this site. It should read:

I usually stop at BOLD and linkto: "A Site that is more well written than mine."

[vuboq]

I think I have like 42 Indonesian rupiah at home. What can I get for that?

Please please please say "the color green. in BOLD!" Please? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE?

Don't make me beg.

[maggie]

Reviewers review because they can't do.

[Mir]

Don't ever change, Bossy. ;)

[Gina]

Okay, did you ASK for this review or is this some douche that just goes around picking on others'? Maybe we can all review his blog next?

I like the word shit. Not as much as I like fucktard or fuckwit or asshat, but it's in my top 10. I don't think it can be overused.

[Les~]

HaHaHaHaHa...we should just bombard the reviewers with the word *shit*!

I love your blog just the way it is Bossy! Don't go changin' a thing!! Who are they, the blog fashion police?

[Jennifer]

Wow, I came looking for a steal and I think you have things priced a wee bit too high, but hey, I'm really cheap. :) At least you use the word shit. I really like the word shit.

I am too chicken shit to ever get my blog reviewed. My ego would be too easily bruised. Shit.

[Kevin Charnas]

Critics can suck it...and usually do.

I just say add more porn.

[Anita]

I LOVE the blog description ... hmmm ... where's those Yen I always leave around for a rainy day. Shoot, I'll bet I can't find them because it's so darned sunny and hot out. Remind me to look again when the rain comes, maybe I can buy your description.

Keep on making us laugh :)

[flutter]

Couldn't we review the review? Say, whogivesafuckwhatyouthinkofmyblog.net?

[Jodi]

One of the reviewers said you were slow on the humor scale? Ummm, that reviewer would be considered slow on the RETARD scale.

You know that thing Groucho Marx said about not wanting to be a part of any club that would have him?! Yeah. It applies to that reviewer club.

By the way, is shit even considered a swear word anymore?! If someone wants to review my site, they'd better be cool with jesusfuckingchrist and for fuck's sake because those two phrases are numero uno y dos on listo de vocabulario fantastica.

[Brando]

Bossy, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

And shouldn't reviews of humor blogs be funny?

[karen]

What a bunch of shitheads. I notice Mr.Fabulous is up for review...however shall he manage with all the sex and gooey wonderfullness that is Pointless Drivel? Those reviewers will probably self destruct after reading the Sex You Up column. Perhaps we can all get tickets and watch their heads explode?

[Kathleen (in Oakland)]

bossy blog is super funny. how could anyone miss that?

[Meg]

If Bossy changes the way it looks, Meg swears she will stop reading.

We like Bossy just the way she is!

[blue girl]

"And shouldn't reviews of humor blogs be funny?"

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Brando totally wins.

[slackermommy]

You're #1 in my book for funny. This was hysterical!

[Jen]

You'd better keep teal and orange up. I love Bossy's site. The others clearly have no taste and need to retreat into other, more beigey blogs.

[Seattle Mamacita]

i think bossy needs more bling not less like that rockin'girl blogger button she won a few days back :)

[mcewen]

Way back when in the UK, there used to be a programme called 'sale of the century,' seems apt here!
Cheers

[Lillian]

My chickens (http://tinyurl.com/23x5np) especially love your, um, rooster. Don't change a thing unless it's bigger and better and more colorful and full of much boldeder texts!

[Lillian]

Gawd I'll never get a URL right in my life. It's a comment frenzy. My apologies.
http://ladanea.blogspot.com/search/label/chickens

[Dawn]

BOssy is awesome. $&^@ the reviewers :)

[rachelw]

Shit! They're full of shit! Totally shitty, probably shit-faced! Shit-heads, anyway. Keep up the good shit!

[nutmeg]

I'll buy the dog.

[Suebob]

Bossy is the perfect perfection of perfectness.

[Dorky Dad]

I'll take the bio, please. And the cussword. My blog is way too clean.

[schmutzie]

I liked your "hot poker in the eye" comment on their review. I have had a few hot pokers myself, and they're always informative if not completely useful.

I think your site's a lot of fun. Too bad the cock must go!

[Heather]

I read the review and I have to say that anyone who is so uptight over the word "shit" can't have much of a sense of humor. Really, how did they ever qualify themselves to review 'humor' blogs. snort.

I'll buy the word shit please.

[In the Trenches of Mommyhood]

Those cocksuckers! *snort*
"I love you just the way you are..." Sing it with me people, for the love of Billy Joel!

[bobbarama]

You can't get rid of me this easily. I've superglued myself to your blogroll. You're stuck with me. I'm. Going. Nowhere.

[EvolvingRevolver]

I am not even going to read the other FORTY FIVE comments because I certain they say exactly what I'm going to say and I want to say it anyway: BLOGREVIEW SCHMOGREVIEW!!!

I bet these people are related to the anonymous and unimportant people in "The Academy" who, ever year, piss on millions of brilliant actors and movies simply because they aren't good enough to act or direct or produce.

Except I feel sure that Blog Reviewers are even LESS important than, say, the person hired to sweep up Bossy's Great Dane's toe nail clippings.

P.S. - Guess and Press is like my morning coffee!

[laurie]

I don't understand reviewing in general because I am probably missing those brain cells (see: the winter of 2004) but you are always bringing the hee-larity, and I love you for it. So there.

[Pete Dunn]

Fuck them. Your site kicks ass, which is why it's on my blogroll. Duh.

[Sparx]

Actually Bossy, I think they're right. Because, you know you only make me laugh EVERY TIME I read you and I'm sure you could do better, like maybe 110 out of 83 for a total score of 45.6 and like, maybe I'd come back TWICE a day instead of only once. Boring, unfunny shitty shit shits? Methinks!